Sometimes, it takes more than a simple sorry to recover from wounds that are that deep. Addiction recovery is a long and hard road, but one that is worthwhile and necessary. If you or a loved one left behind a trail of strained relationships due to substance abuse related issues, here is a guide to help you through the process. Making amends is not the same as simply apologizing for your behavior.

Making Amends: What To Say & How To Start

You need to work to reestablish trust, to show you’re sincere in your desire to rebuild the relationship, and then to prove to them that they can trust and count on you each and every day. Before completing step nine, the recovering alcoholic needs to be ready to deliver their message with the best intentions, not motivated by false expectations. The reason why it is better to make amends earlier rather than later is based on experience and case studies. Many recovering alcoholics have relapsed when they allowed their fears to block them from completing step nine. For example, Dr. Bob, one of the original founders of the AA program, could not stay sober until he went around town and made amends to all those he had hurt.

What Is a Direct Amend?

In all of these circumstances, your AA or NA sponsor and your support network are crucial aspects during the amends process. At FHE Health, you’ll learn more about Step 9 and how to handle the worst of experiences. For many, this is one of the most important components of recovery, because it allows them to work on rebuilding their relationships and letting go of those they cannot repair. Our team works closely with you throughout this process to help you achieve your goals in recovery. I am very sorry for stealing money out of your desk in order to fund my drug habit last year.

Promises to do things differently

When I first arrived at the Discovery Institute I didn’t have gratitude or acceptance. Your dignity and pride are intact and not stripped from you . If you make amends and they keep needing more, making you feel as if you’re indebted to them for life, take a beat.

New Start Recovery

In Twelve Step recovery from alcohol or drugs, a direct amendment is when you personally address issues with people who have been harmed by your behavior or treatment because of your addiction. This involves going to each individual and acknowledging the harm/hurt you’ve caused them and demonstrating changed behavior to give them an opportunity to heal. A direct amendment should be done in a face-to-face situation.

Listen to their side of the story in a non-defensive and empathetic way. If you said or did something to them that you don’t remember being too severe, but they recall it differently – accept this. Even though it won’t be pleasant to hear this, or confront the situation, it will help you to move forward.

• As with alcohol and other drugs, we are also powerless over other people.
• Another example would be of a person who’s been a taker all their lives suddenly decides they no longer want to be self-centered and selfish.

Important Steps to Take While Making Amends and Rebuilding Relationships

We can’t know for certain how another person will respond—or even how the interaction might affect us emotionally. It would be nice if the above outcomes were universal—but they aren’t (of course). Making amends won’t necessarily play out like the living amends ending of a Hallmark movie. Sometimes, the outcome can be uglier and downright disappointing. They may refuse to meet at all or refuse to listen to what you have to say. Sometimes it can be hard to know what to say when preparing to make amends.

Don’t Hold Back—It’s Too Easy to Get Out of This Step

Say, for example, you’re preparing to make amends to a former coworker, whom you once stole from to pay for drugs. In addition to apologizing and asking for their forgiveness regarding the incident in question, you might offer to repay them in full for the money you stole. Along with reinforcing new behaviors and outlooks, making amends can also reduce stress. Many who lived with addiction have past behaviors they’re not proud of.

Committing to Family Therapy

For many who lived in addiction, apologizing was a regular habit. Whether it was apologizing for being late for work, missing an event, misusing property or stealing money to support an addiction, expressing remorse was likely a daily occurrence. The guilt may have been real, but the apology didn’t come with lasting change.

• His attempt at reconciliation exposed the affair that had until then been unknown, ruining the relationship between the woman and her former partner, who had remained friends.
• While you can apologize later for missing the event, the apology consists of words, rather than actions/changed behavior.
• Volunteering for a worthwhile cause or supporting a charity can be a valuable way to make amends.
• An indirect amend focuses less on immediately righting a wrong.

Be Patient and Understanding

The changes that occur due to your efforts positively affect your commitment to becoming a better friend, child, parent, or person all around. Step Nine can leave you emotionally exhausted; it’s a difficult step to navigate. But the rewards you’ll reap from living amends can help make the challenges easier and more productive.